


head in the clouds

by nearlyacloud



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Boys In Love, Eating disorder recovery (mentioned), Fluff, I promise I wasn't high when I wrote this, M/M, Many thoughts - head full, Mental Health Issues, No Plot/Plotless, Philosophy, Psychology, Thoughts of Self-harm, Trademark sappiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:47:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23599327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nearlyacloud/pseuds/nearlyacloud
Summary: "You know that feeling that arises occasionally, when you look at your hands or your face in the mirror and, for a split second, feel like an outsider viewing your own body? It's like that, but all the time."or: Isak feels detached from his body.
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Comments: 8
Kudos: 32





	head in the clouds

**Author's Note:**

> I was looking for a certain bit of writing in my drafts, as you do, and stumbled upon this. With minimal editing it became a kind of publishable work, so here it is. It's odd, and not my favorite, but have it anyway.
> 
> I'm very bold for writing a lot of smart people shit despite being inexperienced in scientific stuff. I tried to fact check and do research, but feel free to point out any inaccuracies and educate me.
> 
> Content warning not mentioned in the tags: self-isolation/quarantine.
> 
> Happy reading!

Isak can feel the heat of the candle. He can see the glowing flames and feel joy bubble in his chest over getting to witness something so beautiful and alluring. He's aware that if he were to stretch his fingers forward and guide them into the flame, it would hurt. The heat would damage his nerve endings, the message of the action would travel into his brain and register as pain. Blisters would rise on his skin and his cells would start working to repair the damage. He knows all this, but he doesn't understand it. It feels contradicting.

How can he be of both mind and flesh? How can he make his limbs move with the power of his mind, but can’t control the beating of his heart or his metabolism? Why is he able to imagine all sorts of scenarios, like swimming in an icy cold river or flying high in the sky, but is held back by a body that isn’t made to survive those sorts of things?

It bothers him, the mind-body issue. How a physical part of us - our brain - can include something mental - the mind. How those two are connected, can they be set apart and so-on. Aristotle, among others, would call it dualism: the idea that there is the mind and the body and they are two separate things and of two different substances, but affect each other.

Isak feels detached from his body. He views it as only a tool, a machine which his mind uses to operate through. His body allows him to do what he wants, like move from one place to another, grab objects and talk, but it’s not really his. It's as if his body is an object that his mind has possessed because it can’t function on its own. It has no physical form, so it fulfills its wishes through something concrete.

He remembers trying to explain it to Even in the early days of their relationship. They'd been hanging out on Isak's bed, talking about everything and nothing, and the subject of the human brain had come up.

"You know that feeling that arises occasionally, when you look at your hands or your face in the mirror and, for a split second, feel like an outsider viewing your own body? It's like that, but all the time," he'd said.

Even had stretched an arm to place under his head. “Huh. That’s really interesting.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you know what causes it?”

“No, I’ve got no idea. It doesn’t bother me, so I haven’t gotten it checked or anything. Maybe something went wrong when I was a kid." He'd racked his brain through his latest psych course, though knowing that Even was listening intently had made him a bit nervous. "Like, when a baby first starts gaining sense of self via interaction with their caretaker, they learn that through physical actions, they can affect their surroundings. If they want food, they cry. If they want to see what's to their left, they turn their head. At least that's what Daniel Stern or whoever thinks." He paused. "Do you think it makes sense, for me?"

Even had been quiet for a moment. "I wouldn't know, I chose Arts over Developmental Psychology." Isak had laughed and looked over to see him grinning.

(

After the conversation, Even himself has applied what he learnt from Isak to his own life. Particularly in the case of mental illnesses. It kills him to have no definite answer to what causes them. Is his bipolar purely related to physical matter or a result of his mind? Does it narrow down to the structure of his brain, to hormones and chemical imbalances? Or does the environment, such as his past experiences, play a bigger role? There were so many unanswered questions, but at least he knew that both therapy and medication helped. That should indicate the significance of chemicals as well as mental processes.

)

Despite being possibly the most complicated part of his body, Isak's brain is what he values the most. It stores the mind, though he can’t be bothered to figure out how exactly that is possible. The two are somehow intertwined and that’s it. His brain (and sensory organs such as his eyes and ears, which are profoundly connected to the cerebral cortex) allow him to experience things. Without it, life would be boring, merely existing like a robot instead of witnessing the world around him. It enables all sorts of things, such as feeling the slight burn of the hot paraffin wax he caught on his finger to stop it from dripping onto the table cloth.

Isak’s never minded pain that much. It’s just a physical reaction to being harmed, designed to protect the body. Pain intrigues him, though. It’s fascinating how it's something you never get used to, because otherwise the shell making you operate would just keep getting injured. Without the instinct to protect it, it would stop working, die. In Isak’s eyes that would mean the mind would stop working, too.

He takes a deep breath and steps away from the candle he has lit. Pain is just pain, but he has no desire to inflict it upon himself. It’ll sting for a while and then the mark will eventually fade, so what’s the point in creating one in the first place?

He turns to the window and sees that the sky has gone dark and the street lights are illuminating the city. He swipes the curtain aside to be able to twist the blinds closed and checks the clock on the wall. Ten past six in the evening. Time to cook dinner.

Hunger is another thing he’s struggled with. It’s a cue from one's body that it’s in need of energy - sugar, nutrients, fat - to keep on functioning properly. On the other hand, food brings you satisfaction and makes you feel good, which is something mental instead of physical. He thinks that the reason for the feeling is to make you want to eat, which would mean it's another way to make you keep yourself alive.

The balance has been hard to find. Why not eat past the point you are full since food tastes good and no bodily functions limit you from stuffing yourself? Or why not deprive yourself of food if your body can’t take over and feed itself? Only a human themselves can make the conscious decision to prepare food and consume it.

Isak’s felt compelled not to eat, but it’s not too much fun. Unfortunately his brain needs glucose, since it is an organ. His mind gets blurry and thoughts disorganized when he’s deprived of nutrition, so he eats.

He walks into the small kitchen of the flat and grabs everything he needs. Soon the counter holds a packet of noodles, a leek, some carrots, a package of soy curls and a carton of coconut milk. He’s in the mood for a favorite in their house: vegetarian noodle soup with spices and lime - something filling, nutritious and delicious.

It was a hard journey, but Isak’s managed to build a healthy relationship with food. He’s learnt that it’s a necessity and ultimately something to fuel your body with instead of a way to cope with your feelings or a substance to mindlessly gorge on for the fun of it. He’s learnt to feed his body with healthy things it needs, like vitamins, fibers and protein. When cooking, he adds in different things, like spices or an extra bit of margarine, because they taste good and bring him joy. With that reason in mind, it's okay to sometimes indulge, too. There’s a difference between eating your weight in chocolate just because you can and grabbing a few bites as a treat and staying rational. Thanks to this revelation and the ability to actually live by it, Isak’s more content than he’s ever been, he thinks. When he’s gotten all the ingredients into the pot and the yellow soup is quietly simmering on the stove, he washes his hands and goes to make sure he looks presentable.

That’s another weird thing, he can’t help but think, what people look like. The important stuff is in the brain, but for some reason the shell that stores it looks a certain way depending on the person. Why _is_ that? It isn’t the case for animals who all look mostly the same within a species or a breed, so why do humans for example have a different bone structure, eye color, finger print? It’s all kind of pointless and in no way affects the way they function.

Isak looks at himself in the mirror. For some reason these green eyes, this curly blond hair and these broad shoulders are a part of him. Somehow he happens to look exactly like this even though his appearance is in no way affiliated with his thoughts, personality or views. Still it’s the by far most visible thing about him and something that people can possibly judge him by.

He knows looks are down to genetics, of course. But what explains them? It’s partly traced back to evolution, back when things actually happened for a reason. Humans evolved into an upright position to have a bigger chance of surviving, and skin color is determined by the amount of melanin in it. That in turn depends on the place your ancestors lived in: the more sunlight they were exposed to, the darker their skin was to protect it from burning and developing skin cancer. That much he’s figured out.

Isak fixes the collar of his grey button up shirt with the help of his reflection on the mirror’s surface and combs a hand through his hair. He looks for the time and sees that nearly an hour has passed. Just when he walks back into the kitchen to set the table, he hears keys rattling in the lock. The front door opens, indicating Even's arrival home. Isak’s heart jumps from happiness.

It’s safe to say that Isak's own mind-body issue, why the connection between the two is somehow broken, has gotten slightly easier to bear with ever since he got to know Even. It sounds like a cliché even to his own ears that love supposedly fixes things, but in this case it’s completely arguable.

Meeting Even and falling for him has taught Isak how strong feelings and emotions can be connected to physical reactions. He used to feel butterflies in his stomach every time the boy would look his way with those kind eyes, be as if in pain when he hadn’t seen the subject of his crush in a long time, and have an involuntary smile appear on his face when thinking of him.

He has come to another interesting realization as he has let his instincts guide him. He expresses affection through gestures, making his actions reflect what he’s feeling. He holds Even’s hand, hugs him, wants to be close to him, listens intently when he talks, likes seeing his face and prefers to always be touching him in some way, all because he’s in love. Doing all this comes naturally to him, and he thinks letting go and just existing instead of searching for the reasons behind his behavior is freeing.

With Even, it's clear as day that his outer exterior is him. Isak adores his scent, his hands, his tall figure, everything he is. Though it's his mind that Isak truly loves. Even could change his appearance a million times, but his core would remain the same and Isak's adoration wouldn't waver, either.

Isak’s mind and body may not be completely connected, but that’s okay. He’s grateful that it’s so much simpler when it comes to other people, to for example know without a doubt that Even’s body is a part of him. It's incredible how he can make Even feel better by gently scratching his scalp or pressing kisses all over his face. Isak can give Even an insight into his mind with the way he is around the boy, and Even can understand his feelings, though not always effortlessly. The best part is how he replies with the same amount of love, conveys them with words, touches or facial expressions. One way is also organizing a date night in their home during the time of self-isolation - completed with candles, a dinner and a bit of dressing up. Today it was Isak who has decided to do that, though, since Even had a shift serving coffee and making sandwiches.

Some things are bigger than our ability to understand them. Thankfully others are more easy and straightforward, like the fact that Isak loves everything that makes up Even and wants to show it. He's grateful for the ability to do so. Maybe that's what his body is meant for: loving. Perhaps its job is to simply be kind to himself and others.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Stay safe and healthy ❤


End file.
